What have I realized:
My brain resists to retrieve anything, it is very lazy and is tuned to an option - absorb and percieve (and resist to expand using the effective in it`s performance strategy of substitution/replacement when real desires, wich in general case need efforts to realize them, are substituted with some known amenities ) and modulate my behavior according to the new information in optimal way. Special conditions..  extreme situations or vacuum of information (or very HARD efforts from myself managing of the greatest willpower and live power) can cause switching to the state of retrieving or creating smth  - and such states are very pleasant to relive them! but.. its like addiction.. you need more rigid conditions to achieve such states any next attempt, it is too hard to launch process of retrieving or creating. The Black Hole - is good metaphora for my Brain. I need to learn how accept energy and information from the Black Holes and transform them into This world without hurting Myself